sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
