Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
