you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
