apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
