Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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