I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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