I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
