My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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