I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
