Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
