Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
COCAINE IS GR8
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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