My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
