My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
