you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
