Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
