Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
