On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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