Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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