so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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