i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
