I just threw up on my dentist
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
