I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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