Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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