Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
