i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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