there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
