go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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