fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
