Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
