I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
