Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
