I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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