Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
