youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
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