I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
