addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
