She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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