My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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