i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
