There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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