When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
