I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
