I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
