1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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