Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
