Got a toothbrush?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
