i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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