I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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