I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
