My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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