The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
