He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Pants are for mortals
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
